hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
