Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just invented taco cereal.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
