she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
