Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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