So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
