Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
