This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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