Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
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