He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
