did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
