You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
