I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
