someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's never too late to be topless.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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