their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
