You're completely useless in the revolution.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
