I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
