Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
