just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
