I am in a vortex of obligation.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize