he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
