My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
