Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
