i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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