watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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