My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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