Pants 0. Shit 1.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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