oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
