oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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