He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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