Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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