you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
