Screwed.edu
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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