She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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