Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
