does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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