life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
