3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There are leaves in my underwear?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
