I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
