Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
