You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize