I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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