so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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