a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Still dying that you shit outside
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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