textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
