So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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