dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
