I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
