I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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