SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
