This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
