Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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