You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
