Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
