he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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