I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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