I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
