She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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