I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
