The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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