I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
