I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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