Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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